Shelby. Growing up to be just like Mac.

I haven't gotten to ride at all since I've been on break. It's really getting on my nerves that the ground is always completely covered in snow and ice when all I really want is to ride my Wella.
But I didn't come here to complain about not getting to ride.
Little Shelby is sick. She's very sick. She's been sick for a long time. It started when she was a baby and she never managed to shed out. We finally clipped her so that she wouldn't overheat in the summer sun. Jean thought something was wrong, but she didn't really bother Angie, the vet, with it until recently.
Shelby started going off her grain, getting lethargic, and stocking up in her legs (even with turnout). Her glands under her jaw were swollen, and she had a fever too. I think she had a bit of a cough, just to add something else bad to the mix. It was horrible. They took her to an equine clinic and they said it was something like bacterial pneumonia. She went home and got lots of antibiotics and steroids and stuff that would make her better (at this point, I really don't know what she's been getting because I've been away a lot and because of the sheer amount of stuff we're putting in her).
Now she's losing her hair and she's got raw spots on her skin. She's a horrible sight. But she started getting better. The swelling in her body went down tremendously. She started playing again, and roaming around the barn as we let her out of her stall for playtime. Her appetite picked up again and her fever went away.
And now she's gotten worse.
She's staggering around the stall, slamming into the walls and running into her buckets. She's almost fallen a few times. According to Jean and Angie, she almost drowned herself in her water bucket after "forgetting" that she was drinking and pushing her whole face in for a long time. She's only allowed to have a very small amount of water at a time now, and I had to stand there and watch her struggle to swallow while I made sure she didn't drown.
The worst part of this? It's a painful reminder of Mac's last days.
(Well, the worst part is that she will probably have to be euthanised unless something amazing happens, because the poor creature is suffering. But it still makes me think about Mac.)

All About Stella

I found this while cleaning up in my room a bit today. I wrote it while preparing my 4-H project book for Stella, before the first year I showed her at State. It made me smile:

ALL ABOUT STELLA
"Hi everyone! My name is Steel Lukin, but everyone calls me Stella. My "dad," Larry, says that they call me Steel Lukin because I am dark grey like steel. Sam, my "mom," tells me that my name means "star" in Latin, and she likes to cut apples for me so that I can look at the star...and then eat it, of course!
I am an Appendix Quarter Horse, and I am six years old. [Note: she's eight now.] Mom sometimes tells me that I'm "fairly green," but I swear that I'm really grey! Okay, okay--sometimes I get grass stains on my withers when I roll, but mom is really silly. Not only does she say that I'm "green," but she also jumps off my back every once in a while and lies down on the ground. I mean, when I'm really super scared or confused, she jumps right off and leaves me to gallop around, wondering where she went. She always comes back though, and she promises that everything is okay.
I'm a very happy horse, and I like to do a lot of things with my mom. She likes to let me walk around and eat grass while she holds onto my pretty purple lead rope. (I love purple, and mom always tries to buy things for us that are pretty and purple.) I love to eat, sniff, and cruise around while mom fusses over me and talks to me. Sometimes I ask mom if we can hand-gallop when we ride. She usually listens to me and will tell me when it's okay. I love to go fast! I really don't like dark places on the ground, though. Mom just doesn't understand that she's going to fall into a bottomless pit if she walks into them! I also hate the sound of rain falling onto the roof. Where's that stuff coming from, anyway? I'm very friendly. I love dogs, cats, and other horses (except for the ones who nip, scratch, and kick). I really love people too, as long as they don't hurt or scare me.
Mom always tells me that she "loves" and "needs" me. Whenever we ride out to the back field, mom always stops me at a big mound of dirt and pats me. We sit there for a while, and mom whispers a few words to herself. I can never quite hear what she's saying, but she says it with great passion and sadness in her voice. When we ride off, I try to give her a good ride; she always seems so happy when I do. Sometimes mom goes out to the back field by herself. She comes back with tears in her eyes, and then she comes into my stall. I like to nudge her with my velvety nose because it makes her smile. Mom loves to kiss my nose. She calls it a "squiggler"--how silly! Then, mom leans on my shoulder and wraps her arms around my neck. I never move. She leans on me so much that she'd certainly fall if I stepped away from her. I feel like it's my job to keep her on her feet."

I feel like it ends pretty abruptly, but every time I read it I feel really sad and really happy at the same time.
Eventually I'll get around to posting about all the "adventures" I've been having. I've gotten lazy. Maybe tomorrow? :P

Three Years.

Mac died three years ago today.
It's been a painful, challenging, and amazingly beautiful three years. I spent most of it suffering from clinical depression and fighting to get my life back. Once I emerged from the fear and the darkness, however, I started seeing life in a whole new way. I went from wanting to die to seeing beauty in just about every aspect of my life. I've been able to come through even some of the most negative moments in the past few years with a positive attitude where I can promise myself that I can make it through.
I remember some of my first rides on Stella in Larry's old Western work saddle (because it would have been too dangerous to ride her in an English saddle, as I do today). She would canter and basically bolt off. She would stop pretty well, but there was otherwise little control. I remember that I had to ride her in the pasture some and she was absolutely insane. I'm surprised I didn't fall off of her, let alone get myself killed, during some of those rides. She was really spooky, too. I remember halting her and just sitting in the middle of the ring, hanging my head and crying because my beloved Mac was lost forever. Honestly, I hated Stella back then. She was young and flighty, and I didn't want to deal with her. Moreover, she was alive. Stella was alive and Mac was dead; that didn't seem fair to me in my grief.
She's come so far over the years, too. So have I. Larry told me the other night that we've become quite the pair--Stella is maturing and I know her well enough to keep her on track when she feels the need to flare up. Mindy showed her a bit at the big Quarter Horse show we went to, and after a class where Stella had misbehaved, Mindy kept complaining about how Stella will basically fall apart if her rider isn't in complete control at all times. Nancy, a woman who gave me riding lessons a while back before going into therapeutic riding, once told me that I needed to learn how to "ride every stride" if I wanted to succeed in riding difficult horses. I could never seem to understand that concept until recently. It's an amazing feeling, too.
After three years, I think it's unnecessary to mourn Mac's death as I have in the past. I often think about him and all of the things that we experienced together, and sometimes I go out to his grave just to sit and think. I don't think I'll ever reach a time where I'm perfectly okay with thinking a lot about him and not tearing up. I'm slightly teary now, but I'm also smiling and thinking about the last three years of change. I don't believe in an afterlife, so I'm not banking on seeing him again someday. I do, however, believe that we all live on in stories and memories.
Long live Sir Mac!

Lots Of Updates

This summer has been great so far. We've got two new babies on the farm. The first one is three months old today, and her name is Shelby. Tina is her mom. She was born a grullo but she started looking like a scruffy little bay; today we body clipped her because she wouldn't shed out and she was always too hot and sweaty. She still looked grullo underneath :) I really wish she'd stay that color because I want unique horses!
I was at the barn when Sissy gave birth to the second one. His name is Cody and he's a red roan. He's soft and absolutely beautiful, but he was born with a crooked front leg. Larry is renting a brace to straighten his leg before he gets older, both for aesthetics and to prevent future problems and pain later on down the road.
Both of the little babies are absolutely triflin'. Shelby didn't want me to take her inside one night, so she hauled around and kicked me in the shin. I grabbed her halter and whacked her on the neck, which made her very upset. It was very slippery in the yard that night, so I fought to keep on my feet and hang onto her as she sidestepped frantically across the yard. I won :) A week or so later, she decided that she didn't want to be caught again, so she kicked me in the stomach (lightly, thankfully) and galloped off. I came back over her and she tried to kick me again, so I nailed HER in the hindquarters with my foot. I did that each time she tried to kick me and then caught her. She hasn't kicked anyone since, hahaha. Cody mostly just bites, but he can be difficult when we have to put his brace on. He really doesn't like it.
Stella has been pretty good. I've had some really amazing rides on her so far, but I've also had some really horrible ones. I've been working with her on lead changes. We're at the point where she can do a simple change with only a stride or two of trotting, so I think she's ready to learn a flying change. I'm excited about that.
We've been to one show so far this summer. She was horrible when I took her out to lunge her. A panicky barrel horse came into the ring and she immediately started rearing and tearing around the circle, almost falling a couple times. She ended up pulling back and tearing my hand open, which has almost convinced me to start wearing gloves when I lunge. It's still healing and it was quite a while ago. She worked herself into a heavy sweat before I thought she was ready to go back to the trailer, and then I sponged her off with lots of cold water to cool her off. We did pretty well in the two classes I took her in. In showmanship, I got second. I was really proud of Stella considering I thought our pattern was atrocious. We got third in a go-as-you-please hunter under saddle class. Stella didn't spook or have any mare flares in the class, but I spent the whole ride trying to keep her from leaning on my hands and trying to hold her back. She never actually threatened to break into a canter, but she started to jig a little when we started on the second direction. I decided that my time would be better spent schooling more rather than going into the other classes, so I scratched. I went to the schooling ring and worked for a while. Some little kid came in with her mini and ran across the wooden bridge that was still in the arena from the trail classes. That set Stella off. She did her usual mini-rear, spin, and throwing herself around while I put my faith in my seat and try to refocus her. After that, I rode just long enough to keep Stella from associating her behavior with me dismounting and then put her in a halter to give her a bridges-are-not-scary lesson. She walked over the bridge eventually and I was very proud of her.
Stella has also been remarkably lazy lately, mostly regarding the canter cue. I carried a whip the other day, because I'm honestly just tired of it. She needs to learn to respect the canter cue the first time I ask, as soon as I ask. I just use it as a reinforcement of my leg and she's been responding to light cues while I hold the whip and don't apply it, but I think she needs more time with the whip before I can abandon it completely.
I've jumped Stella some already this summer. She's been very good about it. I'm only allowing her to trot fences because she's still really excitable when we jump. We've also done more than just crossrails! She jumped a gate that was about two feet one night, and we've jumped vertical rails that are probably a little over that. She's refused a couple of times, mostly at the gate because she'd never seen one before (even as we rode on the flat past it, she snorted at it to ask what it was), but she's been pretty good about stuff. She's tried so hard :)
I've also jumped Abby some, and I took her to the beach. We went swimming and ran on the beach together. She also decided to jump off of the dock, but I think she got saltwater in her eyes and didn't want to swim much after that. She kept wanting to swim really far out, so I had to go get her and bring her closer to shore. I didn't want her to get tired and need me to rescue her somewhere that I wouldn't be too willing to swim myself :D I picked her up out of the water a few times and she was still paddling with her feet! It was too cute. She also liked playing with clumps of dried seaweed that had washed up on the beach. When we both got tired of running and swimming, Abby sat down where the waves hit the shore and I laid down beside her. It was amazing to feel the waves washing over my legs and back with Abby at my side.
Elizabeth, my sister, and I went out to the pond about a week ago and we all went on the boat. I sat in the middle and rowed while Natalie and Elizabeth sat on either end. We went out to the side of the pond where there's a lot of seaweedy stuff growing in the water. Natalie and Elizabeth started dragging it out of the water and throwing it at each other. Aaaaaaand, of course, since I was sitting in the middle, I was covered in seaweed at the end of their game. It was lots of fun though :)
I want to write more, but what I want to write doesn't really belong in this post. I'll probably make at least one more. It's good to be back.