Sunday, November 16, 2008

Jumping Stella

Today, Larry took Mindy and me all the way to the local showgrounds so that we could ride. He even helped us "steal" the jump standards from the neighbors' yard so that we could practice jumping. I was really grateful that he was willing to do all of that stuff for us, but my hip just didn't want to cooperate. 
It was hurting before I even got on, and it didn't help that Stella was hauling me across the ring while I worked her on the longe line. She kept having little "mare flares," and I had to run with her in order to avoid losing the rope or falling down. 
Riding her was actually pretty good, aside from the fact that I couldn't use my legs. Seriously. When I applied leg aids, everyone knew--I shouted out in pain almost every time. Then, I decided to be stupid and try to get Stella to go over the jumps. 
Larry had to lead us over every one. I couldn't apply my leg, so I couldn't keep her from drifting. And, man, did she drift. She wasn't about to step over the one-foot vertical that we had set up. It was ridiculous. I felt ashamed that I couldn't do something as simple as put my leg on, and I felt frustrated because I can barely live like a normal, dignified human being. I really just wanted to cry. Eventually, Mindy got on Stella and took her over the jumps a few times. 
I envy everyone who lives life without chronic pain. 
I rode Tina for a while when Mindy was on Stella. I was stupid. I rode her over the jumps a few times. She drifted a bit too, which frustrated me even more. I just simply couldn't use my leg correctly. That should have been a sign that I shouldn't have been on the horses, but I'm foolish and hardheaded sometimes when it comes to my own well-being. I had one jump over the small vertical that was wonderful, though. My timing was perfect, and everything felt right for a few seconds. Then, it was back to pain and suffering. Mindy and Larry didn't even see it. 
So, now I'm frustrated, disappointed, upset, angry, and about ready to give it all up. 
I just can't see myself riding much longer at the rate I'm going. The thought brings tears to my eyes, but I just can't do it anymore. I need to see the doctor again, go back for more x-rays, get some stuff shoved back into place, maybe get a brace or something (I shuddered at the first suggestion of a back brace, and I hope I never have to wear one.), and get some more prescription pain relief. 
I can't imagine life without riding. 

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