Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Letter to a Lost Lover

I've missed you so much over the last two years. We haven't been able to talk the way we used to, with me trying to whisper sweet nothings into your pinned ears and you silently hoping that I wouldn't stop. Do you remember all of those times I spent sitting in your stall, watching you eat? I remember them. I remember the night I slept beside you and got to watch the sun rise through the barn doors with you. We were lying together in the sawdust, trusting one another so much as I rested my body between your hooves and my head on your powerful side. It would have been one of the most beautiful nights of my life had it not been your last.
I know I shouldn't dwell on that, my dear. So much has changed here. Your brother, Chester, is growing into a fine young stallion. He would make you proud, I'm sure. He reminds me of you every day, and I can't help but think of you whenever I ride him. Baby Jessie is the newest addition to the barn. She is somewhat related to you; her father is the same as Chester's. I guess that counts for something. She is a lovely little girl, and she is going to be an amazing hunter someday. Stella is becoming quite a fine young lady--already an amazing hunter. We've recently started over fences together, and she absolutely loves it. She doesn't look the same as she did when you last saw her, but I don't think that any of us do.
I've changed some physically, but I've changed much more mentally. I feel different, at least. I spent a very long time suffering after you passed, but I've put the pain behind me and chosen to live life with a new sort of vigor. There's no need to worry about me. Sometimes I sit alone at night, listening to music, and I cry when I think of you. Sometimes something will remind me of you and I'll walk off by myself as I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Looking at pictures of you brings back good memories. Sometimes I think about our last year at State, when my mom was taking pictures of us at your stall with my blue Stable Management ribbon. I'll honestly say that I wanted to be out on the hill, letting you graze as I talked to my friends. I remember, however, one thought that I had... I knew that, one day, I would be glad to have those pictures. I really, really do love them.
It must sound like I cry a lot. I used to, but not so much anymore. I've come to a point where I like to think of the wonderful things we used to do together. I remember our first show together, where we won the halter class and I got my first blue ribbon. I remember the day that Jacqui rode you and you refused to move no matter what she did. I remember falling off at District because that woman scared you. I remember going for a trail ride to the back field. I remember the perfect rides we had, where we truly reached the state that I crave so much. I remember the day you bit me and threw me on the ground, and that day you bit Stephanie. I remember riding you around the yard and walking right up to those deer. I remember finally making it through the rope gate at State. I remember when you used to jump over the mud puddles in the arena because you were afraid to step in the "holes."
Now, Mac, it's time for you to remember something.
Remember that I love you dearly and that I will never forget you. You're gone and you've been gone for a long time now, but that doesn't change things. You're my good Sir and my wonderful gentleman. You'll live forever in my memories and the stories that I promise to share with anyone who is willing to listen. Much love, my love.

No comments: